Saturday, 27 June 2009

Am I the Goddess you're looking for?

[Kali, Hindu Goddess of Death]

I was obviously deeply excited to see this website where a hunk of a man was looking for a ‘Goddess’. I was obviously fantastically keen to apply, but there were a couple of things that I thought would get in the way for eternal happiness with ‘Mark’. What do you think?
  • I don’t believe in God.
  • I don’t really believe that Mark is on the brink of a large-scale financial success
  • I don’t believe he does speak DIRECTLY to God.
  • I don’t like people who CAPS words unnecessarily or over-use exclamation marks!
  • I don’t really think he is looking for a woman with a razor-sharp intellect or at least the other few of thousand words kinda undermine that desire.
  • I find pre-nuptial agreements offensive.
  • I don’t mediate every day, unless you count sitting on the bus on the way to work, staring zombie-like out of the window.
  • I don’t chant, unless you count shouting catchphrases like “Oh for fuck’s sake” or “he is such a fuckwit”.
  • My mind is rarely peaceful.
  • I have frequent “unwelcome thoughts” and constant “mental chatter”. Some unwelcome thoughts include the idea of bald, middle-aged fuckwits filled with sexual intensity *shudder*
  • When I get hurt or upset I stew on it for weeks, sometimes years.
  • I frequently feel hatred and the desire to hurt people, but then I probably spend too much time on the internet.
  • I don’t unconditionally love many people. In fact I don’t much like most people. I even hate some of my closest friends.
  • I don’t think I ever had childlike innocence and I have a particular suspicion of middle-aged men who want a woman to be childlike.
  • I have bad posture.
  • I have a fairly trim waistline – which I think gives me extra points. But I wouldn’t be willing to keep it trim for a man because I have self-respect and prioritise my relationship with pies and cakes over any man. No exceptions.
  • My hair has grown recently, mostly due to my laziness but I have spent many years with a crop and if there is any thing that would make me cut it all off again it would be a man wanting me to grow it for them. No exceptions.
  • I have a fairly low voice for a woman.
  • I’m not fantastically healthy (see relationship with pies and cake).
  • I am mostly tobacco free, but then do often have a fag when I’m pissed and high.
  • I’m not a vegetarian and would rather die than never eat sausages again.
  • My room (as I don’t own a house) is dirty, chaotic and full of crap
  • My main mental health issue is the frequent desire to kick men in the balls. But I am trying to deal with it.
  • Saying “outside the box” makes me want to kick Mark in the balls.
  • I’m pretty unreliable which I, but no one else, find endearing and lovable.
  • I’m not an actress and feel no desire to become one.
  • I wouldn’t be willing to travel the world with Mark or appear on TV with him because its crass, cloying and the heteronormativity of it makes a little bit of sick appear in my mouth.
  • I don’t really think that a sacred sexual union with Mark is crucial for manifesting his Global Vision. But would ostensively be to get his rocks off.
  • I haven’t been a prostitute and think that if men want their ‘Goddess’ to be one its because they wish to dehumanise, purchase and own a woman for her sexual services
  • I don’t long to be worshiped as a Goddess by a man. Its creepy.
  • I don’t want to be controlled by someone and believe submission, surrender and the looking a particular way for someone else are fundamental to control
  • I don’t really like 100% straight people, they are massively dull.
  • I don’t respond to anything as a LADY and I’m not a GIRL. I’m an adult and condescension makes me want to kick men in the balls.
  • I like walking on the street side of the pavement as it allows me to run away faster.
  • I like to make choices and exercise my free will.
  • I don’t own any vases.
  • I like music.
  • I watch downloaded telly.
  • Mark doesn’t seem funny – apart from in a funny-weird way.
  • I don’t want to live in Los Angeles.
  • I find the top Mark is wearing in the ‘August 2004’ pic offensive.
  • I think he does want to control his Goddess. Otherwise he wouldn’t have written 6000 words on exactly what he wants from a woman right down to the length of her hair and how long she mediates for each day. And that creeps me out.
  • I do indeed have a tendency to accuse men of being controlling when they try to control things.
But, but I am NOT a Scientologist!!

I’ll email him and see how I get on – fingers crossed!!!!


twaza (@wassabeee on twitter) said...

Only a godess could have read all that stuff on Mark's website.

stu said...

You got to the end of the site and you have a pulse - I reckon you're in!

Sounds like quite a catch to me. How many men can honestly say that they are going to Transform Business Management into the LIGHT?

Naomi Mc said...

He didn't mention that he was looking for a woman with obsessive compulsive disorder. Someone who would not only read to the end of his 6000+ word treatise but also would cut n' paste it into Word so that she could do a Word Count on it.

Goddess behaviour if ever I saw it.

twaza (@wassabeee on twitter) said...

"Mark" also didn't mention that his goddess's dentition should be neither hypertrophic nor ectopic.

Has he replied to your email yet?

Naomi Mc said...

Not yet. But I suspect that a) there is a lot of email traffic going his way (of which 0.5% is from Goddesses) and b) he may well class me as "negative and unfriendly", albeit that that is in fact true, I did try to engage and didn't actually send this blog post.

We'll see.... and I will definitely blog it if he does get in touch.

Naomi Mc said...

I got a response!

Snowcap said...

This man must have some sort of mental disorder, is all I can imagine... he wants a brilliant, beautiful woman whom he can control completely, yet seems to lack any experience or qualifications for doing so. He is aging, very plain, looks a bit out of shape, and does not reference any experience as a dom.

I am fit, young, spiritual, and attractive, yet everything about him repulses me... I can only wonder if his newfound "European goddess" is practical joke?

Maybe he should try having a less demanding, egotistical, repulsive personality, and he could finally lose his virginity sometime before he dies of old age..

stella said...

He wants a former prostitute because he wants to "discuss it at length". While he snaps his carrot.